


The Office Series X Episode 1

by mouthwithlegs



Category: The Office (US)
Genre: Multi, Mystery, Pilots, Random & Short, Short, Surreal, Weird Plot Shit
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-08-18
Updated: 2020-08-18
Packaged: 2021-03-05 19:34:54
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,163
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25970671
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mouthwithlegs/pseuds/mouthwithlegs
Summary: I’m just trying to get back into the practice of writing through fan fic.
Relationships: Angela Martin/Dwight Schrute, Jim Halpert/Dwight Schrute, Pam Beesly/Jim Halpert
Kudos: 1





	The Office Series X Episode 1

Intro   
(Music plays, the pianos drift us off into an astral projection of capitalism) 

Jim is intensely typing at his desk. His movements are drastic. He is fevered, and a sweaty mess. His messenger bag and jacket are thrown onto the floor. Not placed neatly on the back of his chair like usual. 

We don’t know what he’s writing, and I mean WE as in the audience. We are just watching, we are cameras. There is no visible words on the screen or on the torn up pieces of paper scattered on his desk. But he’s whispering to himself little things here and there. 

Stanley sits in his normal slouched decision and is currently working on a crossword as always. Phyllis looks worried glancing back over her shoulder somewhat as if she’s being followed and maybe this is because of the recent fall out with Vance Refrigeration. Bob Vance hasn’t been the same since his secretary was charged with those drug crimes. No one really knows the details except Creed but that’s another story. Over in accounting Kevin is in a bidding war on EBay for some fresh peppers. While Oscar classically glances into the camera while holding his hand over his mouth.

Ask her nose because Angela knows. Angela is a lot more gossipy than she wants to portray herself as. Angela knows because Dwight tells her in the quiet when they are both in the bedroom after a raunchy night of love. Space is a mercy she feels she is giving Jim right now by not telling him what she knows or that what he’s done. This can obviously lead to issues but that’s good television and yet it’s also a consideration of what she’s going through, perhaps she has trust issues we don’t know yet.

Meredith sits alone at the desk clump m, where she is near accounting, a little bit quieter today. At the moment she’s reading a book about early child development and is on a chapter about emotional development. For her partly this is for education and will foreshadow going into business school later in the season but it’s awesome because she’s afraid that it might be too late for her to become a good mom to her son. She fears that he might be too old and may harbor too much resentment towards her but the fact that she’s trying it has to be admirable no? Though whether or not it is truly admirable depends on if she talks to her son or if she internalizes all of this guilt and it leads to more bad decisions in the future. 

Creed hasn’t come in to work yet and it is around 11:30 in the morning however some of the office workers vaguely remember hearing on the radio of a hostage crisis at a bank and a chase bank nearby.

This week marks the third week of Michael dating Jan after the controversial boob implants. Controversial for the office but a moment of clarity for Jan maybe that will be determined later. Talk to Michael during the third week Michael has become convinced that workout videos will make him look like Tom Cruise and so what he does in the office is he puts on spandex pants much like from the marathon. Surprisingly though Michael has learned from his past mistakes and so whenever he is about to do P90X workout or perhaps maybe something along more of the lines of Jim Carrey workout video he plays the Blues Brothers at full volume to warrant the rest of the office when he is changing luckily sometimes he remembers to close the blinds other times Oscar has to run over and knock loudly on the glass to get him to close the blinds. 

12 o’clock strikes and Dwight comes back from his lunch break on time, and always on time. However on this day as he comes back no one wants to make eye contact with them, only glancing at Jim and going back to the food or the crossword puzzle or perhaps actual work, but that is rare. Dwight confidently walks, no, he strides to his desk and swiftly takes off his jacket and places his brief kiss upon usually rest on the desk. There’s a pause as he places his jacket on to the back of his chair he glances at Jim writing a letter and then glances at Angela giving her a knowing nod. 

There is a pause when the tension in the room starts to overflow out of the metaphorical jellybean jar on Pam’s desk which is currently empty. Luckily for the rest of the office though soulman by the blues Brothers started to play out at obnoxious levels from Michael’s office. Providing an opportunity for them to do pretty much whatever they want for a good hour hour and a half while Michael exercises and attempts to attend this Tom Cruise aesthetic that they all know he will never be able to achieve. 

“So what are you writing their Jimbo,” says Dwight. 

A brief pause and Jim whispers under his breath, “where is she?”

“I’m sorry I didn’t catch that Jim?”Says Dwight . 

Jim sweeps everything off of his desk with a single sweep from his long right arm. While yelling, “Where is she Dwight, I am writing my resignation letter!”, tears well up at the base of Jim’s puppy dog eyes. 

Everyone in the office is now paying attention, they feel comfortable enough to look at what is happening mostly the noise helped. Even Stanley briefly looked up from his classwork to roll his eyes at the nonsense that was about to unfold for the next bit. Phyllis has rolled back sort of in her chair she is very unsure what to do they’re feeling somewhat motherly for Jim but also not really wanting to interfere with everything she’s had enough of that. 

In the same fashion as the Norse god of mischief Loki, a smile can’t help but creep across Dwights face as he witness is some thing that he could only really dream about. Between his lips he says, “Whatever can you be talking about big tuna?” 

Jim glances at the Cornell-red Urn on Dwights desk near the phone. All the anger seems to evaporate from Jim’s body and he slumps down into his old office chair. Dwight hasn’t stopped standing behind his chair and currently above Jim. 

“I’m giving up Dwight,” Jim seems to whisper into the old carpet. He raises his head to look at Dwight, “Hear me? This competition between us was fun at first but you’ve gone too far. Identity Theft? Arson? Kidnapping? Fucking Blackmail Dwight!? All for what? So you can pick what the office gets Micheal for his birthday?” 

“Because it’s my job Halpert, I’m the assistant regional manager.” Says Dwight. 

Jim didn’t have the heart to say “ to the”, he didn’t really have the motivation for anything at the moment. 

Jim sighs and says, “You’ve gotten what you wanted, can you please bring Pam back? Is she safe? Where is she Dwight?” 

“I can assure you Jim,” says Dwight, “She has been quite comfortable with my cousin Mose and has all the beets she requires for survival.” 

Dwight clicks open his briefcase audibly, “And I have proof that she’s still alive.” 

Angela can be seen grinning from behind the partition that keeps her ego in check. 

Dwight hands Jim a plate with a pink towel over it and places it in front of the slumped form of Jim Halpert. Jim looks up from between his fingers and through blurred teary eyes. He steps back and looks shocked. Eyes darting back and forth from the covered plate to the grinning Dwight. 

Jim stands up, knocking his chair back. He points an accusing finger and asks, “Is that a piece of Pams cardigan Dwight?”

“You know how I like to recycle Jim, why don’t you loo at what’s under that reminder of you sweet little Pam Pam?” Dwight says. 

“Yeah Jim!” yells Angela, cutting through the blanket of rough silence. 

“I hate being titillated!” she continues. 

Meredith smirked into her chest and took a sip of coffee. She mournfully watches Jim reach rock bottom like she has so many times before. For a moment he reminds her of her son and his struggles with school and relating to his peers. 

“Just grab the rope and I'll pull you in  
Give you hope and be your only boyfriend.” - Soul Man by The Blues Brothers, reverberates off of Micheals office windows. The slight rattle of the blinds sends a shiver down Jim’s already tense spine. 

He takes a deep breath and steps forward to his desk. Tentatively he grips the piece of cardigan between his thumb and index, it’s soft and he swears he can smell her perfume. 

He pulls back the cardigan towel. 

Lying before everyone is a rustic dinner plate on top of which sits a sick yellow yellow, softly jiggling with bits of cardigan lint sticking to the top. The faint smell of lemon wafts into the stale air and mixes with the asbestos. It’s pleasant but everyone is paying more attention to what’s inside the jiggly jello mold. 

Delicately hovering in the center of the lemony mass is a wedding ring fixed upon a severed finger. 

Soul Man by Blues Brothers ends. Angela cackles. Oscar stands up and puts his hand over his mouth in a state of shock. Kevin has just won a bet against Ryan. Meredith thinks about how she lost her finger in high school shop class. Phyllis whispers a name under her breath and tries to scoot away in her chair. Stanley checks to see if it’s his lunch break. Dwight is savoring the moment. 

Jim barks a tangent of of insults and curses like a junkyard dog. Is that her finger?   
He needs to know.   
He demands to know.   
He’s willing to kill to know. 

Right as Jim is about to tackle Dwight, the door behind him opens. 

Micheal jumps out and yells, “Punk’d! You just got Punk’d.” 

Between laughs he points mockingly at Jim and expectedly looks at his employees to see if they’re laughing. 

“Like Ashton Kutcher!” He proclaims. 

Dwight is giggling with glee and verbally acknowledges that he recognizes what Micheal is referencing. 

“You get it Jim?” Micheal asks. “You just got Punk’d!” 

“You’re Psychotic!” Jim proclaims. “Is that Pams finger or not?” 

Dwight nods like one of his prized bobble heads. 

Micheal is laughing uncontrollably and exclaims, “Punk’d number 2!! I got you again Halpert!” 

Dwight is laughing and hasn’t blinked in a while. 

“Thats Toby’s Finger!” Micheal gleefully shouts! “Double Punk’d!” He says. 

“Yeah!” Chimes in Dwight, “ We double teamed you! You can’t handle Two at once Halpert!” 

“Dwight!” Michael snaps, “Stop, you’re making this weird! That’s what she said.” 

Michael grins at his own cleverness. 

Jim holds his head low. Meredith is the only one who notices him briefly reach into his pocket. 

Dwight and Micheal are high fiving. Phylis complains about Micheal’s athletic shorts being way too tight. 

Jim takes a deep breath and says “Ok,” but no one hears him under all of the commotion. 

“Dwight.” Jim says in a tone loud enough to cut through the giggles. 

Michael and Dwight turn to face him. 

Jim makes a deliberate chooses to make eye contact with Dwight as he raised his hand for a business handshake. 

Dwight was taken back by this but he honored Jim and maintained eye contact as he acted to complete the other half of the hand shake. 

“You win Dwight,” Jim says. 

“Absolutely I do,” said Dwight. 

Their hands clasp. 

Theirs a sharp sound. 

Dwight yells, jumps back in a guard stance, and shakes his hand. 

There is laughter. The laughter is coming from Jim. He presents his hand and the whole office can see him wearing a hand buzzer. 

“You just got Punk’d Dwight! And all it took was one hand,” Jim points out. 

He turns to Michael at an unexpected speed and angle, “That’s what she said!” 

Michael is stunned. 

Jim twists back and wind begins to twist around him. Office papers and pens start rustling and clinking. 

“I knew Pam drove back to art school early this whole time!” Jim projects into the heavens. 

What was once seen as a successful completion of his Evil Plot has turned into utter defeat. He looks at Michael for emotional comfort but Michael is praising Jim as usual. He looks to Angela for emotional comfort and he finds it in the form of her softly mouthing an apology. 

The wind and rustling picks up around Jim. Faster and faster. He looks directly into the camera. 

“You will always be Assistant to the Regional Manager!” Jim shouts as he stands in the middle of a storm he’s summoned from his own will. 

Outro   
(Music plays, the pianos drift us off into an astral projection of capitalism)


End file.
